My Descent

The hardest part to explain
even to myself
is that
I chose my descent

At eighteen
I leapt off the modern pillars
fame fortune validation
false gods indeed

At first I was beaming
never had I felt such force of clarity
such a rapture of ecstasy
as if every emotion I’d ever repressed
could finally fly free

No one could have prepared me
once the façade is gone
all that’s left is the ache that built it

“She’s gone mad” said the crowd
as my words caught like wildfire

Virality felt like a disease
unimaginably exposed
I cut myself open for all to see
my bleeding heart their feast
I bore a bloody beating
in the shallows
of the
mainstream

“She’s ruined the O’Neill name”
many know the pain of family
the words only they
can wound you with
or worse
the silence

Time to internalise
you deserve this shame
you fell from grace
from how good women behave

A decade on
I no longer dream of
ascending above
transcending away from Mother
escaping reality

I choose to descend
into the body
into the ache
into the ancestral
ancient
memory stored in flesh

A decade on
I finally see
these depths chose me

Home in the underworld
my birthright was to return
experience depths uncharted, unseen

So few
are so lucky
to answer the call
the heart always speaks
first in ways felt, unseen